One of the recurring themes of my life these past few years has been that of feeling stuck.
And if you know anything about me at all, you know that I hate feeling trapped. I hate feeling constrained. Stuck is one of the worst feelings for me.
When I was younger, I didn’t question when I felt stuck. I didn’t think there was anything I could do about it and so I just accepted it. I wasn’t happy, but I coped with it.
As I got older, I realized I had a choice. I realized that if I was feeling stuck, it was the result of choices I had made.
On the one hand, this was empowering; It meant I had the power to change my life and situation.
On the other hand, this was frustrating; It meant that I was the cause of my problems and that I had difficulties choosing the right things for me.
I won’t lie and say that I don’t feel stuck now — I have been having a lot of “stuckness” as of late.
But the thing that’s new for me is realizing that maybe my feeling stuck stems from neglecting the basics of life.
You see — whenever I feel stuck, I feel like it’s because I’m not doing enough. I feel lost, I wonder what in the world I am doing with my life, I have no purpose, no point, no rhyme, and no reason. I understand that I’m not completely worthless and I have skills — but I have no idea how to use them.
But lately, it’s been hitting me that I’m so stuck on the big picture that I’m missing an important component: mastering the basics.
It’s like I want to press fast forward and get to the finish line without doing all the meaningful stuff in between that enables that to actually happen. I want the rewards without having the foundation or infrastructure to handle the process to get there.
The basics, my whole life, have always bored me. Why spend time taking care of myself or cleaning my room or organizing my papers or cooking healthy foods when I could be spending that time doing something fun?
I neglected the basics in the hopes of mastering something big and meaningful, but doing so meant I became a master of neglecting myself.
My disregard for myself led to projects that ended in burn-out, in experiences that started brightly and either got abandoned or finished with a way different outcome than expected — usually disappointment.
I focused all of my energy on the end result. I thought that the end result would give me an epiphany or be everything I was searching for, but usually I just felt resentment when everything was over.
My life lately, however, is making it clear that I cannot do the bigger things without an understanding and a respect for the basics. And not just for two weeks or a month — these are habits I need to consistently incorporate and maintain in my life on a daily basis. Each day, I need to choose to do the basics before I can do anything else.
This is tough. To me, it seems boring. In my mind, I feel so ready for the bigger stuff! I feel so ready to move on! I just want to be there — with there being a place where I feel happy, where I do consistent work, and where I feel fulfilled.
But what I think I have been failing to accept that there is no there without here and it takes those small — yet extremely significant — choices to add up to that big picture.
I’ve been so focused these past couple of years on finding the right career, the right outlet, the right place to move when, really, I should have been focused on prioritizing those basic things that come with being a well-developed adult.
I’m so used to short bursts of excellence — but I have yet to prove I can sustain them. It’s kind of like the difference between studying all semester for a test versus cramming the night before. In some situations, the cramming can work — but it usually comes with some negative consequences. Such as: what did you have to do to your body in order to get there? What kinds of energy drinks did you have to slam down? What kinds of junk food? What ways did you deprive your body? What sorts of stress did you put yourself under? And then, beyond that: what about the situations where cramming doesn’t work? It may work for a test, but what about something that requires you to show that level of execution day-in and day-out?
I was able to get through high school and college being a crammer, but it has been a horrible strategy for grad school. And speaking of grad school, right now, things in my life aren’t turning out as I planned. Ever since choosing to follow my heart with my thesis, I’ve been hitting brick walls. It’s been stressful and frustrating and all the preparation steps I took seem to be unraveling. And it has become clear to me that something has to change (but a bigger update on that is coming soon).
But, anyway, I spend so much energy each day wondering where my life is going, what I should be doing to have X result, and yet, I still have the same days over and over again. I still distract myself with these big questions when really, I should be answering the more immediate ones… I should be taking the time to nourish my body with the right foods, to move my body and get my heart pumping, to sleep properly, etc. Especially as someone who struggles with autoimmune symptoms and has made the choice to take a more holistic approach to my health, these are things I should have made into habits years ago.
Anyway, I guess I’m saying: I need to stop focusing so much on the future and where everything in my life is going and get into the day-to-day. I need to stop procrastinating and putting my health last. I need to do the things I know make me feel better and those need to come first. Before the Netflix. Before the worrying why I don’t know what I am doing or if I am wasting my talents or skills or whatever.
Mastering the basics is like building a house with a solid foundation.
If you rush through it or neglect to do things right, it will come back to haunt you until you set it right. I feel like the past few years, my house has been falling apart. And it’s like I keep trying to decorate it with cute accessories and furniture without addressing the fact that there’s a leak in the roof or the plumbing doesn’t work. I keep trying to patch things up without getting to the source of it all. And now I am seeing that I have to take care of that before I can do anything else. My career, my purpose, my focus needs to be taking care of myself… above all other things.
I do believe that if we put ourselves first and tend to ourselves, we have more energy to help others, more energy to contribute, and more energy to give instead of take, to produce instead of consume, to solve problems instead of increase them. I feel this to be so true in theory and yet, I still have to put it into practice.
I’ve been at a loss lately as to where to go with this blog, but just like with my thesis updates, I think I will use it as a tool to help hold me accountable. I think writing about this stuff helps me to learn, build skills, and work things out in regards to my personal development. So, I guess I’m saying: expect to see more posts about “The Basics.” 
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