The Retrospective is my monthly recap where I share blog highlights, where I’ve been, and the behind-the-scenes bits that didn’t make it onto the blog. Check out September’s edition right here. 

When you were younger, did you ever write letters?

I totally was that nerdy girl who had pen pals all over the place and I would just write page after page after page.

Writing this edition of The Retrospective totally made me feel like I was writing one of those letters back in the day… just opening up and sharing with a close friend…

And I hope it feels like you’re on the receiving end of one of those letters, too. Only, maybe this isn’t AS much fun because snail mail with stickers totally beats a blog post any day!

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So, I hope all of you who celebrate American Thanksgiving had a Happy Thanksgiving weekend!

This Thanksgiving was the smallest one I’ve ever had — it was just my mom and me. But to be honest, it was so needed since we both have our little weakened immune systems that need protection. And actually, it was really relaxing and fun. Mom cooked up a delicious meal that yielded TONS of leftovers and I was really grateful to spend Thanksgiving with her again after having it so many years in different places. (See here, here, and here.)

But now, we’re onto December and I can’t believe it!

Even though there were some parts of this year that kind of dragged on (like last winter), 2014 actually went really fast!

I am really, really looking forward to what December holds! Even though winter can go on way too long (that’s something I learned really quickly once I moved to Michigan from California), I do have to say that I am a big fan of December. It’s just a time to be with family and also reflect on the year that’s passed and the year to come and I love that kind of stuff. (Sooo much. Too much?)

But if I can let you in on a secret, I am actually super excited about December because I am in the middle of working on a PASSION PROJECT! And… it’s for my Master’s Degree! Who would have thunk?!?

It’s so funny because before I went into the hospital last month, it just wasn’t working out.

And then while in the hospital, I wondered: “Will I even be able to finish and graduate?”

But now… oh my gosh, it lights me up and I have been having the best time working away on it!!! It’s giving me LIFE as I recover here at home and I am super grateful for it.

It just goes to show that it’s worth fighting for something you believe in.

I had to find the courage to trust myself — to follow my heart with this project even as I faced adversity in my department — but I am so glad I found people to believe in me and that I believed in myself! Because the fight I put up for it has already proven to be totally worth it!

But here’s the best part for you, my friends: I have been pretty quiet about it up until now but it’s totally something I plan on sharing with all of YOU when it’s ready! And I CANNOT WAIT!!! I hope you love it as much as I do!

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Now, onto recapping the past couple of months…

THE RETROSPECTIVE

Just some of the kindness my beautiful friends showed me while I was in the hospital

So, this monthly review is going to be longer than others for a couple of reasons:

1. I totally skipped October’s review and so I am catching up with that
2. November was the most life-changing month of my LIFE and so I have a lot to say about it

So, here we go!

Let’s be real here: October and November were intense months for me.

And November was THE most intense month of my life. 

Yeahhh, we could say that again.

Oh, what, with my mom’s cancer surgery constantly being rescheduled as they tried to figure out what was going on with her body, the last few weeks of my Master’s degree all culminating in one project (that I had to fight to be approved for after getting dropped by my advisor), and getting hospitalized for an intense lupus flare-up halfway across the country from home, away from my boyfriend, and my mom starting chemotherapy… well, it was ummm, a divine unravelling.

But here’s the thing: it has all been so life-changing and oddly wonderful in the weirdest way. 

I have a new spirit and perspective of gratitude, positivity, and love in my life. I see things so differently, from such a new perspective. I have a greater understanding of all the things that have come about in the past couple of years and how it all fits with where I am now. I feel loved, supported, and taken care of. I have my health — which could have been way worse because I was fighting for my life when I went to the hospital. 

Things that seemed impossible before don’t seem so scary or daunting now. I feel more at ease and comfortable in my skin. I feel empowered and free because I finally opened up about something that I have been ashamed of for years and have been keeping a secret from many: my lupus.

So, honestly, even though November was intense and even though it could be a reason to complain or be distraught, I feel so positive, hopeful, grateful, and happy and I am so incredibly humbled at the beauty of life. And that’s the greatest gift anyone could have.

Where did I go in October and November?

• I started in the San Francisco Bay Area
• Went back to Michigan for a little bit
• Then came back to the San Francisco Bay Area

What did I write in October?

• Long Distance Relationships: My Observations
• Environmental Triggers
• How to Be Grateful When Life Isn’t What You Expected
• Life After Teaching English in France
• Bergen, Norway
• Copenhagen, Denmark
• NaNoWriMo

What did I write in November?

• Greetings from Sunny California (or: My Week in the Hospital)
• Home Sweet Home (Back from the Hospital)
• My Writing/Blogging Process
• How to Become “That Grateful Person” That You Never Thought You’d Be

October in Review

Being completely honest, October was kind of a fog to me. In retrospect, I see that I definitely started to slow down incredibly. The main thing that was the focus of this month — besides returning back to Michigan — was giving the official proposal to my committee for my new Master’s project.

After so many ups and downs and uncertainty, it was nice to lock down a project and to get their approval. I was so nervous when I spoke about my project… and it bothered me that I sounded so young and insecure about it. I don’t know — sometimes when I get around people who I really admire and respect, I get all weird and awkward. But I really tried to just believe in my project and share why I thought it was a worthy one to undertake. And they said I should proceed, so that was awesome!

But honestly, by the end of the month, I was just thinking about my mom and her cancer diagnosis. After I came home in September, her surgery was postponed again so all of October, I was just wondering when it would be and if I would come back. Finally, towards the end of the month, we got another date and I was back off to California.

November in Review

We now know that I came back to support my mom, but then things went really wrong. In terms of her surgery, they canceled it again and decided that they would like to do chemotherapy first instead. That was really stressful and that’s when I began to realize that it was all affecting me more than I thought. In my mind, I thought I was okay — I was in such a fog — but my body seriously began to shut down. I tried to be strong for my mom, but I began to be in excruciating pain pretty much every moment of every day. It was then that my autoimmune illness, lupus, flared up to unmanageable and dangerous levels. Still, I tried to push… I tried to continue with my graduate school project because I was so close to the finish line! After two and a half years of back and forth, the end was near…

But it was all too much. And so, a few days after my mom’s surgery was rescheduled, I ended up in the hospital myself. I ended up staying there for almost two weeks — which is still so surreal to me. 

But I’ve already written about what it’s been like to come home and also how I feel like it’s given me a brand new start in my life!

I was living in such shame and secret of having an autoimmune disease but opening up about it and getting support from family and friends has been one of the best decisions I have ever made. 

I feel like I see my life, myself, my relationships so differently and it’s all proof that a situation that seems negative on the surface can be the catalyst for so much good.

That said, I am still in recovery and there are lots of medications and bureaucracy and appointments and healing and isolation and resting and tons of stuff. But I’m in a really good place and I am so grateful for that.

But getting sick at this level in California does mean some things. First, I am not sure when I will be able to return to Michigan. Because of the precious state of my immune system, I am advised not to travel and not really to leave the house — very rarely — to be honest.

This means that I am back in a long-distance relationship again — which has been hard through such a trying moment in my life. I really wish I could just hug Tyler or be around him, but luckily I have so much support here. And I am so grateful that we’re already used to doing long-distance, so we already have habits and actions that we naturally fall into. Navigating that as something new would just be way too much right now.

My friend Judi made one of the biggest gestures anyone’s ever made for me by flying out from Seattle to help me transition home my first weekend after the hospital. So amazed by the kindness and support… Also, we are so weird around each other but that’s what happens when you’ve known each other 24 years. :)

But I’d say one of the biggest things that I felt I needed to decide once I left the hospital was whether or not to finish pursuing my degree.

As we know, being in grad school has been the biggest challenge of my life so far. I’ve almost dropped out multiple times — and I don’t say that lightly. Like I have seriously called financial aid and other offices, have read through the withdrawal process, and have seriously been like, a step away from leaving more than once.

Grad school has been so different than I imagined. I thought it would be so much fun and lead to a guaranteed amount of money and a job based on the business program I entered. Instead, I discovered that my original program was horribly wrong for me and I felt trapped and like I had gambled away my future. I spun into an existential crisis that has lasted the past couple of years as I have tried to make lemonade from some of the privileged, upper-level lemons I had been given…  Which, even if they are good problems to have in the grand scheme of things, I see that my circumstances (and how I handled them) contributed to the extremely high levels of stress I’d been living under for sustained periods of time. Seriously, it’s so weird to me that I know now that I was having the equivalent of multiple panic attacks, or something similar, on the daily. But I had just gotten so used to it.

Anyway, grad school has been a struggle of commitment, of choice, of intention, of following through, of courage, of uncertainty. And to get so close to the end and then have it be like, “And… maybe another semester? Or maybe not ever?” That was really hard for me. 

But I also knew I could only do what I felt was possible. I had to put my health first…

But as I already said earlier, I am happy to report to you all, after all these crazy thesis updates, I have decided to give it a go! I still don’t know if I will be able to complete it before the semester deadline (I think so), but I am working with my committee and I feel confident that I can do it. I want to do it. 

I want to finish this because after all of it, I am starting to see how this all has actually made sense for me, how this all has ultimately been good for me. I think it would mean so much for me to get my Master’s Degree in Journalism and have an accomplishment that I can hold onto for the rest of my life — something that now means so much to me because of what I went through beyond the classroom.

Oh, and finally: I totally didn’t finish NaNoWriMo. That pretty much went down the drain once I was admitted into the hospital, haha. So… guess that’s another thing that won’t be crossed off of my 101 in 1001 Things List, but I’m okay with that. After all, I’M ALIVE!!!

 What’s Going On in December?

Healing, resting, recovering, doctor’s appointments, easy-going holidays, support, friends, visits, family, love. Food!

Also, working to get my project done. And even though I will not be in Michigan to attend my graduation ceremony, I do plan on defending my project remotely. I may not get to walk in the ceremony, but I did order a cap and gown because that’s important to me. Maybe — if I successfully achieve my project — I can celebrate at a later date.

Once everything gets done with all of that, I want to put a lot of energy into getting ready for the new year with my goals and intentions. If I do graduate, things will be really different and I will be moving into a whole different phase of my life! I have some ideas on how I want it to look — maybe — but right now I am taking it one day at a time and being grateful for each day I have!

What about you? How was your November? And are you excited for December?

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