Even though I love reading other people’s advice about things — sometimes out of pure curiosity — I still have trouble giving out (generalized) advice. Because… well, everyone is on their own path and what works for me may not work for anyone else or be right for anyone else. Advice is all about context and individual application. But still, learning about other people’s experiences can be so beneficial and just plain interesting. I love finding out about other people’s versions of normal.
But anyway, with me being in California these past few weeks, I got to thinking about how I’m in a (temporary) long distance relationship again. And with all this reflecting happening, I thought that it might be nice to share a little bit about my experiences with it (but know that these are more observations than advice, really).
Now, I’ve mentioned him before, but just for clarity’s sake: I’m currently in a very happy relationship with a guy named Tyler (we celebrated two years in June). We actually met at a wedding — a wedding where I was a bridesmaid for my amazing friend Megan, who I met while I was teaching abroad in France. Even though we’re long-distance while I’m in California, this is not the first time that Tyler and I have been apart for weeks (or months) at a time. Even though we’ve lived with each other a little over a year now (wow! yay!), the first year of our relationship was long-distance.
When I reflect back to that stage of our relationship, I think of it as both easy and hard.
It was easy because we’re both communicative people who don’t like playing games when it comes to each other. We were both pretty straight-forward, honest, open, and easy-going. We also enjoyed talking a lot and getting to know each other and just spending time with each other no matter if it was in person, on the phone, or over FaceTime. Also, we both were students at the time and our schedules allowed for us to spend lots of quality time together through technology.
It was difficult because, of course, we were far away from each other and we just wanted to be around each other. Although I do believe that deep connections and relationships can take place without proximity, when it comes to a romantic relationship, nothing replaces that in-person connection. There are so many things that are expressed without words and sometimes the best thing in the world is a simple hug or a kiss. Or even just simply presence. Being in a person’s presence is one of the best things ever.
As hard as it was to be away from each other, I’m grateful that we got to know each other through long-distance.
The good thing about starting off long-distance was that it meant that we both knew we were interested and invested in more than something casual. Long-distance takes effort, but I feel like it built us a solid foundation. Without being in person, we had to learn how to really talk to each other. I also feel like because we couldn’t rely on being in each other’s presence, we ended up having some deeper conversations earlier than we would have if we lived in the same city. So, even though we were apart, we really grew to know each other well. We didn’t have the glitz and glamour of great food and dates to influence our feelings about each other (I’m thinking about how the reality TV show The Bachelor does this — and people end up confusing an amazing experience with being in love with someone they barely know). We also didn’t have the conventions of regular dating to thwart us. We didn’t have to worry about following the “rules” of dating — waiting three days to call, getting distracted by if someone didn’t do something they were “supposed” to do on the date. (Side note: It seems like those little things become deal breakers for lots of people… For instance, if someone doesn’t open the door, or if someone orders a certain kind of food, or if someone doesn’t reach for the check right away, it could mean disaster. There are all these ritualistic dances of dating that are supposedly indicators of “compatibility” but they really might just be miscommunications or misunderstandings that may not really matter in the long run.)
We went with the flow of things to determine how we communicated.
Tyler and I are not big planners or schedulers. We didn’t have certain times we’d call each other or “quotas” to fill each week or each day. We would speak at least once a day — but that’s because we wanted to and it felt natural to do it. We did sort of fall into a natural flow of a flexible-ish routine, but our lives, schedules, and personalities worked out so that it never felt like a chore to keep in touch. It honestly felt like a gift, like something to look forward to throughout the day. I couldn’t wait to see if he had written me during my breaks at work and I loved sharing little moments with him. I also eagerly anticipated when we would be off of work or done with classes so that we could talk on the phone. And sometimes, we wouldn’t even talk — sometimes we would just be “around” each other as we did our day-to-day tasks (washing dishes, doing laundry). I think it was our way of creating “presence” even as we were far apart.
We never really wrote letters or e-mails and we rarely did cutesy long-distance things.
I always thought that if I were in a romantic relationship, I would be super romantic. I thought there would be mega-playlists of songs that described my exact feelings, love letters pouring out my heart and soul, care packages filled with wonderful delights, cute distance dates that you’d read out of a book. But to be honest, we stuck to the basics: we just liked hanging out with each other. We didn’t really need the other stuff — and that’s not to judge it, but I also think that the fact that we were in the same time-zone and also had access to speak to each other often helped. I’m sure if we couldn’t communicate via phone or anything or that often, we’d try something different. But honestly, I realized that once we were in it, just connecting with each other was romantic enough for me (although he would occasionally send me flowers and other gifts, and of course, there are a few songs that are close to my heart).
That’s probably why our favorite long-distance date idea was watching TV together. We’d get on FaceTime and sync the timing up and watch our favorite shows. We’d usually put each other on mute but then we’d see the other person’s reactions — and occasionally we would pause to talk about what happened. (I actually would be the one to pause because I hate talking about stuff as a show is happening but I also love sharing my thoughts in the moment… so pause is my best friend!). Anyway, with this, we were able to watch a lot of different series together and there are some that I just think of as “our” shows. Sometimes watching episodes again brings back memories because that’s how we spent a lot of time together that first year.
We tried to see each other every two months (or sooner, if we could)!
I think the longest stretch we went without seeing each other was three months. And let’s be real: that was so difficult for us! Like I said, even with the phone calls, it still wasn’t quite the same. It was hard to figure out how to make our in-person visits work on student budgets, but we found a way. Luckily as students, we had school breaks and so we spent Christmas vacation together for a few weeks and spring break as well. I also spent a month with him during the summer of our first year together. Sprinkled in-between were a couple of trips that were weekend-length.
I’d say that waiting to see each other, not knowing when we would be together again, and leaving were the hardest things about being in a long distance relationship. We began to learn that if we could book our next trip or at least think about dates for it, it made leaving a little easier. We also talked about it and we both agreed that the leaving was hardest for the person who had to stay where they were after they left. When you’re the one leaving, you have a suitcase and a plane and it’s like a ceremony of closure. When you’re the one staying, after you say good-bye at the airport, you return back to your place and realize their things are gone and that a place that was just filled with love feels emptier. It’s hard to deal with the fact that just hours before, you were sitting over there or laughing over here and now, everything’s back to “normal” — but you miss the extraordinary you had with them.
Eventually you adjust (though you never stop missing them), but I’d say the first few days are the hardest. Because that’s when you really see how much of a difference they make to you. But the good thing about this is that it helps you to see very clearly how much you care about the other person and how much they care about you. I think sometimes when you live day-to-day with someone, you can take them for granted but in long-distance, you feel first-hand the contrast between being in someone’s presence and the emptiness of being without it.
All in all, I’d say that a long-distance relationship can be a very positive thing with the right person.
I feel like long-distance can help you to establish a solid foundation rooted in clear communication. I feel like it can help you get to know a person more deeply and through less superficial means if you’re both open, authentic, and honest. You also have to trust each other, which can be hard if you’re just getting to know each other. My trust has only grown with time, but I think it’s okay to let your guard come down naturally instead of feeling like you have to open up about everything all at once.
I think what also helped is us staying in the moment. I enjoyed every stage that I was in with Tyler and I didn’t think too much about the future or where things were going — mostly because I was so freaking happy where we were at. In the beginning, we texted each other all the time and that made me so happy. And then the texts turned into phone calls, and then into visits, etc, etc. But at each moment, I was just so happy to spend time with him, to get to know him, to be around him and he echoed the same thing. I wasn’t thinking about the possibilities of what it could turn into — I was just rejoicing in what it actually was and I still apply that concept to us today.
All that said, a long-distance relationship is not a long-term solution, for sure, and even early on, we were very open to the possibility of living in the same city. To be honest, I didn’t think we’d live together as soon as we did, but based on spending several weeks together at a time, talking all the time, and it just seeming like the natural next step, I’m glad that we took the leap and did it. We had a lot of conversations on how it wasn’t our only option and how if it didn’t work out the way we planned, it didn’t necessarily mean we were doomed — maybe it was just too soon or too big of a step. We also talked about how he could get his own place if that happened. Luckily, we actually got along really well (although not without an adjustment period, haha, and continued conversations about little household things) and to be completely honest, so far, it’s been one of the best decisions we’ve ever made.
What about you? Have you ever been in a long-distance relationship? Would you ever consider it?
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