Environmental Triggers

I’m back in Michigan again and just like the weather, my brain feels a little foggy, gray, and overcast.

That sounds more depressing than it is; I think I am okay with being back here, at least for now, but what’s getting me is how different it feels to me than California did.

Just hours after I arrived, it’s like I could feel whatever it was I felt in California slipping away from me. I couldn’t articulate it — I didn’t know exactly what it was, just that things felt different. It’s like I had this sense of clarity while in California and it went away almost immediately after I got here.

What was really interesting to me was how things in California weren’t that different as far as my day-to-day activities went. But somehow, there, they felt lighter and easier and happier.

* * *

I mentioned that I have started taking a Nutritional Therapy course. I began the second module and it’s all about genetics. To be honest, this was the section I was the most excited to read because of all my weird autoimmune symptoms.

Anyway, the lesson focused on epigenetics, or the things that influence and trigger our genes to behave a certain way. Because we all have tons of genes, but not all of them get activated. Some are dormant for our whole lives and some get triggered by stress, certain ways of eating, the physical environment we’re in — a whole host of things.

That got me to thinking about how our environments trigger certain things in us.

It got me to thinking about how I loved Portugal but not Spain, how my body can recover so quickly in the Southwest but how in Florida, my pain would worsen quickly and linger for very long periods of time. It got me to thinking about seasonal affective disorder — and how the appearance of the sun can make such a difference between how I’m “triggered…” but also how I don’t necessarily need tons of sunshine if everything else is just awesome.

And of course, it got me to thinking: Am I in the right environment for me?

* * *

Everyday, I wake up and ask myself: “What am I going to do with my life?”

It’s a lot of pressure and I’m trying to get out of this habit. Even though the end of grad school is so close I can almost taste it, I still have no real clue about what I will do when it’s all over.

I have so many huge questions in my mind, but I try to quiet them. I think I am starting to realize that if you don’t know the answer to the bigger questions, maybe you need to ask the smaller ones first.

So, I’m trying to ask myself: “What am I going to do with my day?”

That, at the very least, seems more manageable. And it makes sense, since life is lived one day at a time anyway.

* * *

I’m trying to get more comfortable with the idea of slow progress. I’m used to operating in bursts, used to the instant gratification of having an idea and then concentrating all of my energy to make it happen — even at the sake of other things in my life.

Sometimes I feel so impatient.

I get inspired by something and then I want to have it now. It’s like I get a glimpse of a future possibility and I feel like I have to force and bend and push to make it happen. I think I’m learning, however, that if I can’t have it now, maybe it means I’m not ready. Or more specifically: I’m not prepared. Recently I had the revelation that maybe an exciting future possibility is a sign to start taking steps to be ready for when it does happen, rather than a sign to spend all my time and energy groaning about how what I want seems so impossible and I should just give up.

* * *

Even if this area in Michigan triggers things in me that don’t feel the best, I do think that I’m still here for a reason. I think there are still lessons to be learned — and maybe that’s why, against all odds, I’m still here two years later.

I’m starting to see the silver lining of being here. How even if I want to move at a faster pace, maybe the lifestyle I lead here matches the pace that I’m able to keep — at least for now.

And I do have to admit that living here has taught me to be more grateful for the smaller things, to appreciate the fullness of life rather than just the major highlights. There are far more in-betweens in life than big moments. It’s important to make those good and worthwhile, too.

So, maybe being here feels different, but maybe it’s supposed to. And maybe different isn’t a bad thing — actually, I don’t think it is at all… maybe different feels uncomfortable and weird but maybe different is just what I need. I think, after two years, I’m finally beginning to accept it. Hmm…

What about you? What lessons have you learned from your current environment?

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