First, I have to get something off of my chest: Yesterday, I wrote a post about how I currently feel about things in my life and after I published it, I worried about how it would be received. I wondered: will people see it as a sign of progress as I do? Or does it come across as too negative?
I realized that… I tend to show a certain side of myself on the blog, or certain aspects of my life… and while every blog does that to a certain degree, I sometimes feel opposite in how I choose to attack it compared to others.
For a lot of people, blogging is about sharing their expertise, providing utility, or documenting their favorite moments. I think this is great and some of my favorite blogs do this! But for me, I’m realizing, blogging is a tool to help me work out the things that perplex me. I don’t use it as a showcase of the best that I have to offer, but rather to try to better myself and understand myself and the things in life that, to me, are confusing.
However, I can understand how that can be confusing — especially in a sea of people promoting only the happy moments or using their site simply to provide information or share a passion. I realize that because of this, it may seem like I am completely unhappy or a Debbie Downer. And while some days — usually my more dramatic days — can really feel like this, overall, I actually am quite content. Not completely satisfied all the time (who is?), but content.
What I think happens is that one or two areas can overshadow the rest for me. If I am unsatisfied, then I zero in on what is going on and try to figure that out. The stuff that’s going well? Well, it feels awesome but it’s not as interesting — or necessary — for me to write about. I write to discover, to grow, to understand. If I already understand something or have a handle on it, then I don’t see the point… or, I guess, it’s just not as captivating for me to write about. But that’s just me. No judgment towards people who write for other reasons at all!
Anyway, I felt like I wanted to say something because (1) it’s important for me to feel understood and (2) sometimes I feel like my blog is really unbalanced or doesn’t point out enough the ways in which my life is going well and is right.
So, to provide a little bit of balance, I thought I’d talk today about gratitude.
About a year ago, I set out on a journey to become more grateful — and surprise, surprise: I used my blog to do it. In addition to gratitude journaling, I created a project to get people together and consciously thinking and practicing gratitude — especially people who struggled with it (people like me). It lasted for some weeks and it was a great project, although sometimes I felt very resistant to it. But now that it’s been a year, I can say this: practice does make perfect (or better, haha). Honestly, being grateful is way easier for me at this point in my life. It feels a lot more natural and I feel calmer, less anxious, and more accepting of life in general because of it.
Anyway, I thought I’d share some things I learned to help other people who struggle with being grateful because things in their life aren’t going as expected.
1. Know that there’s a lesson in everything.
Know that the Universe/God/Life isn’t out to get you — if something uncomfortable or even bad is happening, trust that there’s a good reason for it and that there’s something to be learned from it. Take the time to pay attention to what’s happening rather than shutting down. It’s hard to be thankful for things that seem pretty crappy, but know that there’s always something to be learned and an opportunity for growth in any challenging situation.
2. Start with the small, “insignificant” stuff first.
We all have at least ONE THING to be thankful for in our lives, but probably more than that. It may sound stupid to point out the “obvious” stuff, but that stuff that you take for granted may be a luxury or out-of-reach for other people. Be thankful for shelter, if you have it. For water. For food. For being one minute closer to your class being done (!). Gratitude is about shifting your attitude and focus to what is right — and that means being aware of all the awesome things that are good in your life. Still, that can be hard to see if you’re going through tough times, so focus on the small things, even if they don’t seem to make a difference. And if it’s hard for you to think about or find anything, try gratitude journaling.
3. Document your journey.
This is different than gratitude journaling because you don’t need to be that specific. All you have to do is start writing about your life or capturing your life in some other way. There’s no pressure — just journal about your day or about what’s happening or what you have done. Keep track of what’s going on in your life. Over time, you’ll begin to see that things are changing. By capturing it, you might see the small — yet significant — ways in which you’re growing. Maybe you’ll see that it’s easier for you to let petty stuff go or that you’ve gotten more organized. But when you don’t record it, it’s hard to feel like anything has changed or that you’ve made any forward progress.
It’s kind of like losing weight — if you lose it slowly over time, you might not feel any different. You may look in the mirror each day and try to see if anything has changed, but you can’t really tell. But when you look at that before and after photo, that’s when it hits you that: whoa, all those little choices you made have added up to something big. Without that evidence, however, sometimes it’s hard to recall how things used to be — and without that, it’s hard to be grateful for the small stuff.
4. Extract the good stuff from the bad.
You’ve probably heard of the saying: “Find the silver lining in any situation.” I already mentioned that you should try to find the lesson in every situation, but I also think you should find the good — however small it is. Let me tell you something: I have a natural inclination to let the negative parts overshadow everything else in a situation — it’s hard for me to separate the good and the bad. I just see an experience as a whole and if the majority is negative, the whole thing tends to be negative in my eyes. But practicing gratitude this past year has helped me to see that there are some very positive things in situations that I previously saw as completely awful or bad. Some of those bad experiences gave me the tools to be able to handle other situations or helped me to learn about myself or led me to something beautiful and great. This doesn’t mean that I now see the bad stuff as good or that I want to relive it — it just means that I don’t throw the baby out with the dirty bathwater.
5. Be nice to yourself.
It’s hard to be grateful if someone’s beating you down every second of the day — and for me, that person is usually my inner-critic. When you are constantly hard on yourself, you don’t give yourself a chance to notice progress or what’s good. Without that recognition, you end up staying in the same place or the same situation. Even if it seems pointless and you don’t feel like you deserve to be treated kindly, do it anyway. Point out the things you do well or right. Celebrate the little victories! And also: take other people’s compliments about you and believe them. Understand that other people are grateful for you — in big and small ways. Really take it in whenever someone says thank you, even if it’s just a stranger at the grocery store or someone signaling their thanks for letting them into your lane while driving.
One thing that I’ve done over the past year is I’ve kept a “Smile File.” Basically, I collect the nice things that people have said to me in a little file. Even though I haven’t really looked at them again, I know that it exists; it serves as evidence that I’ve helped other people or made them happier. And even just taking the time to honor those things in the moment by saving them somewhere extends the impact of it. So, to feel more grateful, just remember to be nice to yourself and let others be nice to you as well.
6. Do something just for the fun of it.
Sometimes being grateful is hard when you feel like you are constantly under pressure to perform well or you are concentrating on outcomes. One of the best things to help you be more grateful is to do something for fun. Yes, it’s that simple. Don’t do it for money, for self-improvement, for other people’s validation, competition, or for any reason other than the fun of it. Just be in the moment and present to it for what it is, rather than what it could be. Besides, if you’re having fun, you don’t need to remind yourself to be grateful because the smile on your face and joy in your heart is enough (that was kind of a mushy sentence, but it’s true!).
7. Find people, stories, or music that you can relate to.
This is huge; I oftentimes feel grateful in my less-than-happy moments when I find that other people have been in my situation. To know that we are not alone is one of the best things about life — it helps us to feel understood, to feel like situations are conquerable, and to feel empowered. As much as being positive and optimistic is great, sometimes it doesn’t do the trick. Instead, a song or a book or a movie that describes exactly what you are feeling and going through can be uplifting in ways that ignoring your pain will never be. So, find inspiration in others who have been in similar places and encourage yourself with their stories of triumph or even just getting through it. Sometimes the right song, television show, or book can be a lifeline. It’s what art is for — so use it.
What about you? How do you stay grateful when life isn’t what you expect it be?
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